An unavoidable destiny.

So. This is what it's like to die. It's not quick as you would imagine. Whenever I thought about death, I always thought it would be quick, painful, or hopefully while I was asleep or drunk or both. But this, this was not what I was expecting. A slow, painful death. "You have 4 more months to live". "If you take this, you might be able to live another 6 months". "Wait, you should be prepared, you might only have 2 more months to live". Yeah, whatever. The truth is, they don't know how long I will live. I might be invincible and live forever, you know those crazy stories you here about people surviving horrible, deathly diseases and living another 65 years. That might be me. Or I might die tomorrow. Only God knows when I'll take my last breath. I don't really care. I don't want to be consumed with myself and my last days on the earth. I don't want to feel sorry for my poor, pitiful, skinny self. I hate it when people approach me, concern in their eyes, telling me that their sorry, they understand, if there's anything they can do for me before I... They never say the word "die". No, your not sorry, you don't care, you don't understand, and there's certainly nothing you can do for me before I DIE. They just remind me of my destiny. Their not helping any. But I suck it up and pretend to be courteous to them because I know that they don't understand. I wanted to say that they were going to die too. You don't think about how much time you have to live until the doctors tell you when your dying. If there was a death meter machine invented, and all you had to do was slide your finger in and it would read your future and tell you when you would die, you'd probably be more understanding. You might have 5 more years to live. You have 5 years to do whatever you want to, 5 years to mend the relationship with your mother. 5 years to work your ass off at your job and make pointless paychecks. Life would be different if we all knew the date of our death. The truth is, you started dying when you were born. It's only a matter of time before you take your last breath.

I could be one of those heart-warming people that decided to fulfill their bucket list when they were on their deathbed with 3 months to live. They'd do crazy things and have the media following them around till the day they died. They might even have their own "Get well soon" card in memory of them. What would I do? Go skydiving and die early from a heart attack? Go white water rafting and fall in love with the hippie raft guide that had pink toenails? Go around telling people my life's story before I die and tell them not to do bad stuff?
No thanks.
I just live my life, like any normal person would. I live my life like I always have. Go to work, school, eat, sleep. The only thing that's different is my destiny. Even though I said I didn't care, I actually do. When I'm by myself, I think about what it's like to die. I hate the pain, it never stops. You'd think that I would grow numb to it after a while, but when I grow numb to one pain, it deepens somewhere else. There's only a black hole to my future. I start to wander why I'm even still here. What's the point of living on? Why wait for something in pain, to slowly take over my life.

I feel like life is pointless. You mow the lawn, but the grass is going to grow and your going to have to do it again, and again, and again. You wash the silverware, but next time you eat, your going to have to wash it again. You get a fish, but it's just going to die and your going to have to get another one. You feed your needy body, but your stomach will be groaning in hunger in a few hours. Why? What's the purpose? Just to live? We're all going to die one day. We all just live to die. I used to make up excuses of why I live my life, what my purpose on this earth is. But that's just what I believed. We all believe something different as to what our destinies are, but are they correct? Is there really a purpose to life? Is there really a life after death?
This is the only thing that consumes my mind while I am alone.
This is my life before I die.
This is how I feel, muddled and lost, before I die.
And all that's left is to keep living my life, until I reach the end. My destiny.
Death.